Feelings

If there has been one thing I've learned so far about beggining the TTC process it's that feelings will be plentiful. I'm not sure quite how to describe it, but evey time I think about this process or the end result of having a baby in my hands, deep down some sort of feeling is unleashed. Sometimes they are happy thoughts about what our life will become, sometimes they are frustrated thoughts just wanting to get preggos already, but always there is this feeling of excitement, kinda like a kid at Christmas. I can't sleep some nights and days, when I should be doing homework, I find myself drifting off into this perfect blissful baby world where I'm so happy and content with my new little one. Then sleepless nights drift in and in come finances and poopy diapers, and I find myself almost having a mild panic attack. But I so badly want this, ALL of it, I don't understand it exactly. A normal person would think of the bad that comes along with all this and make the rational descision to wait a while longer. But no, a women with baby fever justifies it all and even convinces herself that it ALL sounds like a good idea and something that she should experienced asap. Writing his down seems like a lightbulb should be going off and I should be like I'm young with lots of time ahead of me but yet again "no" pops up, I'm young and that makes me better suited to all this non sense! It's craziness, I'm really beginning to feel like this is becoming a case of mental illness, I'm so set On thus and yet I'm so scared and fearful of the whole process, pregnancy, childbirth, child rearing, it all sound kinda like a nightmare. But I feel ready and willing and want to so badly do this, that nothing will scare me out if it. I know that children once here change everything, and mostly for the better but how our relationship stand up? What will happen to my body? How are our first furbabies going to be affected? Am I going to be able to leave the baby and go back to school? Am I going to be able to breastfeed? What if something happens to one of us? So many questions with no answers, yet I'm still excited about this....WTF???

I'm trying to write about how baby smiles at you and it all becomes worth it, truth is though I don't know what that's like yet. I'm sure it's true but how can a smile make it all worth it?? My partner smiles at me all the time and that usually means he just farted! So making pushing a watermelon out of you know where worth it because of a smile sounds even crazier?? Again left with more questions then answers....

I do know one thing though, that I already have a lot of love for the egg and sperm still in each of us that will hopefully join together and create a baby bambino. I wonder sometimes if I have enough love to give but the only reason I can come up with how all the bad stuff seems worth it is love. We do it for our dogs (and trust me potty training a puppy makes me wonder why I choose to love him, but the first time he asked to go out, I damn near crapped my with happiness that I TAUGHT him something) and I'm sure our baby will be no exception, but I love my sleep ALOT so again the questions of how.

Obivously though this is something that we are going to attempt in just over a week and I am glad I am so excited about it all. I love this journey so far and feel like I've been on an emotional rollercoaster already, but something tells me it's gonna get a lot worse.....but I'm excited for what's to come and am really hoping that one day I'll get thansmike that makes it all worth it!!